Posted by: schoolcrew2002 Apr 9 2006, 01:17 AM

Okay for those who don't know me very well (cause I don't post that much lol) my name is Hope. I have 3 children and we are coming to the end of our 4th year of homeschooling. In these four years I have learned to handle people opinions. I have finally learned to hold on to those people who get why I homeschool. To the people who don't get. I have learned to look over them. But I have a problem with a family member and I just don't know what to do.

My cousin who is like a best friend to me - we talk all the time on the phone and see each other about once a week. She tells me that she would never homeschool (if she had children) but she thinks it's great that I do. Okay the problem is, in the next breath she downs me. Okay for example, my youngest son is having problems reading. She knows this because we have talked about it before. A couple of weeks ago she started asking me about again. She ask me how I handle other subjects. I told her that I let him read what he could and I help with the rest. Then she said that I can't be around him all his life. And that other children she knows his age could read books like "Harry Potter". She just went on and on about how bad that it was. This really hurt because she knows that I have struggled with this. I finally just told her that I trusted God to help him. And also when his mind was ready, he would catch on. To that she had more to say. And this is not the only time she has question me about something and then down me. The last time was the other night. She told me that I need to get up every morning and have a purpose for my day. Well duh, wonder what them 3 kids and that man is doing in my house??? It really made me mad, but I am that type of person that doesn't wants to cause an argument. I didn't say anything.

Sorry this is so long. But how do I handle this? Do I tell her that this is hurting my feelings? She is one person that would work it like I hurt her feelings. Do I say nothing and just hold it in? Which doesn't feel good. Or do I just stop talking about hs all together with her? Or maybe I should do something else. I don't know. This is really bugging me. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks so much!

Posted by: Sammi Apr 9 2006, 07:03 AM

Hope this helps.

I haven't shared this w/ anyone here, because it hurt and I just blocked it out of my mind.

I have a niece, who has a daughter the same age as I am. My niece is an engineer. She is involved in the Woman's Engineering Society of America. They sponsor a Lego competition. She asked if my daughter/8 would like to participate. They had just started a younger group.

My daughter was thrilled to be taking part and doing something with her cousin.

We had to miss a practice...b'c I was not given a schedule on time, b'c she admittedly didn't get it to me...
So I called her, never ever have I called her at work.

Started the conversation, Do you mind if I called you at work. No, no problem.

I told her we couldn't make it b'c of other commitments (it was just a practice)

She threw a fit!!! I just didn't want anyone else to teach my daughter!!!! I have never had anyone to speak to me in this manner.

That I didn't want anyone to be involved in her life but me. That I never let her daughter, play with mine at their home.

Well....she has never been invited!!!! OMG! I've only invited her daughter to my house. Geez, I see the problem.

Just over and over again, she talked about how I over protect her...

It just went on and on and on.

It was just horrific! Over and over she bashed me and how I am raising my children. I was so stunned, b'c she had never voiced her opinion about this.

Then she ended up saying, How dare you call me at work.

I don't want to go into detail, but I was shocked.

I finally had to hang up, it got so bad.

This was a few weeks before Christmas this past year.

At Christmas, I walked into my sister's in law house, her daughter, and I didn't even think about her being there...I just was covered with God's grace, b'c I walked in and as I am hugging everyone, hugged her.

My mil was shocked.

Point is...of my very long story...sorry...

That it is not your problem, but hers.

Only include her in your life, when necessary.

Remember, if God gave you the grace to homeschool...Satan is trying to put in doubts and throw curve balls your way.

I have never been thrown one so strong and I felt it almost knocked me over.

Just pray through it and know, it is Satan. Stand firm, but ignore her.

Thank her for her concern, but you know what is best for your children.

THE END...don't discuss the merits of hs'g w/ her....nothing. Just I appreciate your concern, but I know what is best for my children.

Good Luck...Let God heal your heart. Don't let Satan set in doubt.

God Bless and I hope this helped a little bit.

Posted by: Appliejuice Apr 9 2006, 02:54 PM

I am sorry that has happened. I have never had that problem, and I don't know how I would have handled it.

Posted by: mom-to-five Apr 9 2006, 03:34 PM

Sorry this happened... I would have to agree with what the others said.... it is hard though when you are close to someone!!!

Posted by: mtbriere Apr 9 2006, 07:08 PM

I'm in agreement with everyone. We know our children best and love them most. The decisions we make regarding their lives are our decisions. Relatives and friends handing out advice or judgement can either be concern & love or downright judgement, but it all boils down to it's our decision.

Remember that you can set boundaries. You don't have to be mean or disrespectful, but you can let her know what is inappropriate. If she is hurt after you've spoken to her respectfully, it is a problem that she needs to be dealing with...

Posted by: TiffinKY Apr 9 2006, 08:41 PM

Isn't it great how people without kids always know exactly how to raise them?
I don't allow anyone but my parents to question my parenting decisions, and even they need to watch it. What I finally did with other family members was to tell them I wouldn't argue with anyone who hasn't read at least one book on the subject. Nobody ever read that book (no surprise there) but they all stopped hounding me.

Posted by: wings Apr 10 2006, 12:41 AM

Hope,

Most all of us have experienced similar situations. People feel threatened when you don't 'go with the flow'. It insinuates in their minds that something they are doing is wrong so if they find something wrong with you it validates their opinion. Case in point your relation asks questions and then downs your actions. It is a treasure hunt on her part to validate her lifestyle or choice.

Don't let it happen but once. Now it seems cold or overly simplified but over time you learn who you can open up with and who you cannot. You do this by listening to the question for hints of motive and not answering questions eagerly or clearly at first. If there is ulterior motive first you haven't given them ammunition and secondly they will typically reveal their motive upon further reverse probing. If they are especially persist ant and annoying....I have standard answers for both reading and upper math. They typically stop all questioning.

I have been homeschooling for 13 years now. It happens, get over it and walk on. That was the advice given to me a looooong time ago by another long time homeschool mom.

Relax and just be prepared for the next query,
Ber

Posted by: AKHomemom Apr 10 2006, 02:34 PM

Hope,
I don't have any new advice to offer you. What's been given is great and I support it.

We are all here for you when you need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to unload on.

I for one do not talk about homeschooling to some friends just because of their attitude. I know who I can find support with, a couple don't even homeschool either they're just very good friends, and those are the ones I discuss this with the others get the polite answers.

Posted by: quiltinmommy Apr 10 2006, 02:44 PM

I can't offer anything new either...big hug to you! I also choose not to discuss homeschooling with people who are not supportive.... there are plenty who will be a loving support without allowing others to beat me up.

Posted by: mommapossum Apr 10 2006, 03:05 PM

Posted by: chocolatelover Apr 10 2006, 03:23 PM

One of my SILs has done this to me on many occasions. I never argued w/ her because my Husband asked me not to......
Even though I would be burning about it for days I never argued w/ her.
Finally he told me that I could fight her about it under certain circumstances ( She had to start it and only if she did it in my home.)

Well one day she attacked me about it again...she used everything she could think of....doing as far as to say in the Bible God says that you shouldn't live in fear and be overprotective of your children...I was that and I was sick in my head.

I had it....I told her "God gave me these children, I am the sole responsible for all of what the do or hear. The Bible says I am to teach them and if I don't I am still responsible for what they learn by whom ever teaches them. If you have enough faith to be punished for others teaching your child great. I don't. I will practice my God given right to teach them." Took a breath and told her where the door was and she wasn't welcome if she attacked me again.
She hasn't ever made a comment about HSing since...

I wish you luck.

Posted by: Sharilyn Apr 10 2006, 06:17 PM

Posted by: schoolcrew2002 Apr 11 2006, 12:26 AM

I just feel so blessed to have you all!! Thank you so much for your personal stories and advice on dealing with this.

This is hard because we have been so close. If she had been somebody at my church or off the street, it would not have hurt so bad. And just the fact that I had told her things that I struggle with. But I guess there are some people that you can trust and some you can't. She is just not one I can talk about hs with. I might need to watch everything I say around her. It is sad to say that but I need to protect not only me but my family.

I have some wonderful people in my life that I can talk too about hs. I have you all here!! And also I have some great people that support us.

Thank you again!! I feel very encouraged and ready to take that stand.

God Bless!

Posted by: chocolatelover Apr 11 2006, 12:28 AM

I'm happy you feel better.

Also so glad and happy and jealous you have people who support your Homeschool decision.