Posted by: Teresab Mar 16 2006, 12:05 PM

This may be in the wrong thread....
My 15 year old is seriously going to drive me NUTS! She just lollygags around....duhduhntduhduhntduhduhnt........She is in 9th grade. We are going to have to re-do 9th AGAIN next year, because half of her subjects are 7th grade. Math, science, Grammar....hmm. That's more than half. I gave her some work to do yesterday, it never got done. So here I am running late today......because she didn't finish her work from the LAST lesson!!!!
She had to write her multiplication facts , doesn't know them yet. Had to do a Grammar lesson. didn't do it. THEN when I sit down the next day to move on, she says "OH, I didn't get how to do these, so I never finished" SSSSOOOO mad at her. I am about ready to move her back to 6th grade.

Posted by: Blaise Mar 16 2006, 12:19 PM

I've had days like that too.

Posted by: jessicasmom Mar 16 2006, 12:22 PM

I'm sorry you are having a hard time with your daughter.

Posted by: hs4hmom Mar 16 2006, 12:24 PM

Perhaps give her consequences like no TV or computer until school is done--that's what we do here--but I also don't allow it until after a certain time as well--not before 2pm

Also, I'm a big believer in the If, Then approach. When you tell her to do her work and she doesn't, the next time she comes to ask for something or to do something or to go somewhere--here it comes!!!--just tell her: Remember when I told you to get such and such done? You didn't so now you don't get to do this or see that or go there.
John Rosemond calls it striking when the iron is cold. (I love his books)

The point is to get the burden of responsibility off your shoulders and back on to hers where they belong.

Posted by: Teresab Mar 16 2006, 12:37 PM

Good advice, Thanks ladies!!

Posted by: mtbriere Mar 16 2006, 12:42 PM

We pretty much do it Cindy's way here too. I also don't set time limits to consequences. They have privileges revoked until I am satisfied that the unacceptable behavior is changed. Of course, it's a training process. My girls are fairly motivated since they like going to their activities. If school work isn't finished, they don't go. Same as when they were in ps.

Hang in there.

Posted by: HomeschoolLady03 Mar 16 2006, 12:56 PM

I have an 11 year old. He is not allowed tv, games, or outside time until all work is completed and done correctly. I even make him rewrite things if they aren't written neatly.

My kid is an outdoorsy-type kid. He sees that sunshine as an incentive to get his work finished.

Posted by: tabv Mar 16 2006, 12:57 PM

We have consequences too... no hurry, no rush, but if something isn't done that had a deadline, then none of the extra fun stuff that they see their siblings doing.

I don't feel we expect too much, or even very much at all, so when they don't do it, I definitely feel this isn't too harsh.

Posted by: Teresab Mar 16 2006, 01:03 PM

hmn.....if I could just get that kind of respect from her. If I tell her, oh we'll just add more work, or you can't do this or that.....she'll say "I don't care".
I am going to check into those books by John ......what his name....I'll look back. Thanks!

Posted by: chocolatechic Mar 16 2006, 01:12 PM

Posted by: Beth S...in AK Mar 16 2006, 01:29 PM

We take privileges away as well. It has been to the point where the only thing my daughter had to do was school or stare at the ceiling in her room....everything else was removed! She chose to do her work correctly...but it took a week of no other activities to make her realize I was serious! I guess the 4 walls of her room got really boring!

Posted by: chocolatechic Mar 16 2006, 01:35 PM

Posted by: Sharilyn Mar 16 2006, 01:38 PM

It must be something about 15 year olds. I have some similar issues. I finally just decided if he chooses to sit there all day and take his time doing his work fine. He now knows that come about 2PM I'm done with school but he has to finish his work. Most days he's fine but other days I just don't get it. I know the work he has shouldn't take much more than 4 hours tops, maybe 5 if he's got some heavy writing for the day so why on earth he wants to sit there until 4 and 5 PM doing work is beyond me! I've set boundaries and it's gotten better.

Posted by: Teresab Mar 16 2006, 02:08 PM

You know I have even taken History and Science out of the mix, it took us yrs to go through 7th grade science, so when we finished the book this yr, I was done. I just have her concentrate on Math and Grammar. SO no excuse for her to piddle all day long either.

Posted by: prlegl Mar 16 2006, 06:29 PM

Well I wish I could say I don't know the feeling. My almost 9 yr old is getting on my last nerve. He wastes more time then he needs to, goofs off the min my back is turned, complains about everything, doesn't get things done and basically thinks he runs the world. I am so at a loss as to what to do with him. I feel I have done it all, no t.v., no video games, time in his room, early bedtime, no friends and anything else I can think of. Today I told him that I was seriously considering sending him back to PS next year and I really think I mean it. I don't know what else to do with him and it is starting to rub off onto my little one. I have been so depressed for the last few days and my birthday is tomorrow and that is making my mood worse. I thought talking about your problems was supposed to help. I'm just more depressed now.

Posted by: Teresab Mar 16 2006, 08:15 PM

Coleen, Happy B-day.( I hope you feel better about it ....remember, you're not getting older, just wiser! ) ....I am sorry you are having a hard time. The weird thing is , My daughter is 15, and acts just like you're 9 yo!!

Posted by: Dr. Pepper Mar 16 2006, 09:40 PM

Well I wish I could say I don't know the feeling. My almost 9 year old is getting on my last nerve. He wastes more time then he needs to, goofs off the min my back is turned, complains about everything, doesn't get things done and basically thinks he runs the world. I am so at a loss as to what to do with him. I feel I have done it all, no t.v., no video games, time in his room, early bedtime, no friends and anything else I can think of. Today I told him that I was seriously considering sending him back to PS next year and I really think I mean it. I don't know what else to do with him and it is starting to rub off onto my little one. I have been so depressed for the last few days and my birthday is tomorrow and that is making my mood worse. I thought talking about your problems was supposed to help. I'm just more depressed now.

Posted by: MomofBunbun Mar 17 2006, 07:45 AM

Teresa, I hope you find something that works to motivate your daughter. Have you ever read the Jar of Doom thread?

Posted by: barbchan Mar 17 2006, 07:51 AM

Seems kids go through these phases. My 15 year old has been a lollygagger for the past two years. Can't get that boy to do anything I ask him to unless money is involved and then it's only half done. My 10 year old is a hard worker as long as his dad is the one who tells him to do it but if it's me he seems to just want to stand there and hope I'll get annoyed enough to say forget it! So annoying!

I hope it gets better for you soon.

Posted by: mtbriere Mar 17 2006, 08:21 AM

Posted by: prlegl Mar 18 2006, 12:37 AM

So what do I do? Should I send him back to ps? I don't think that will do to much but it might show him how good he has it here. I just want to crawl under my bed and never come out (which I can do now that we cleaned under the bed ). I am really feeling like I have been defeated . I feel like I'm not a good mom or teacher at this point. How do I get out of this depression?

Posted by: Teresab Mar 18 2006, 11:13 AM

Collen, I have been where you are. In all honesty, I have been to the point where I could have give a flip less weather she learned or not. (I know..BAD Mommy!) Last night she came in the kitchen and ask would I go over this test with her.............the one she made a 5 on. UGHH. I told her not right now, maybe Monday.
I went to take my bath........somewhere along the way, it came to me, I can only do SO much. Then she has to take responsibility for HER education. I can present it to her, make sure she understands it at the time, and go on. She wants me to hold her hand through every problem. I have a kinder and first grader to hs too. I am going to work on just doing the BEST I can, and turning the rest over to God. You know, if he leads us to it, he will lead us THROUGH it. I truly believe God has led me to HS my children. And I know he will lead me through it. Just wish he'd tell me how first.... But you get what I mean? You're son is younger than my daughter. You still have options with him. I LOVE the jar of doom thread. It has a lot you could do with your son. MY DD ? Is already grounded until April 22. She ran away with a little boy, lied to us about where she was....we ran ALL over town trying to find her. THEN, when trying to get her to take care of her room a little better, she got mad and decided to cut herself again. She has Borderline Personality Disorder. It has been a NIGHTMARE with her. I know HER nightmare must be worse. but it has been a battle of trying to teach her that SHE makes the choice of how to react on a given situation. She got furious with me yesterday, over having to correct her math work, that she has an average of 33 in right now. She SCREAMED at me that I am "SO RUDE". Then she wants to fly off in a rage to her room, no doubt to cut again. It is almost more than I can handle.

Posted by: shelbygt Mar 18 2006, 12:31 PM

you need lots of hugs!

Posted by: wings Mar 19 2006, 04:23 PM

I am sorry your going through this and know exactly the frustration you are in, been there, done that, got the t-shirt. First relax and know you are not alone. It doesn't make you a bad mom just Mom.

I am a, "It's your responsibility!", parent too. I wouldn't send them to PS, what makes you think it would be different? It could make it worse!! The only difference could be the flack you get from teachers. I would simply put it to them this way, and I have, if you don't work you don't eat. I can get quite blunt with them on this fact.

So in our schedule where they eat at 7:30, 12:00 and 6:00 with snacks in between, if they haven't accomplished the tasks in between they don't eat. I get tougher on this when I see a bad pattern develop and with different ages. For a 5 year old just waiting till the next snack is enough, for a teen it might take 2 days. Depends on how stubborn they are.

It is not your fault if they don't get their work done. It is theirs alone. If they aren't done in time to have dinner or if she has to do her chores during school time and then skip swimming, miss a weekend event, or phone time to make it up. It is their work not yours, you didn't ask them to pay the electricity. They need to be reminded sometimes. The only responsibility I take is for being too soft on them. Then apologize and promise them to toughen up on them more. Being a bit flippant about it doesn't hurt either.

If they don't like the situation let them change it. You can take an hour for a subject or a day but they will get it done. Oh, and when they whine about starving to death and my being cruel, I remind them that they have the power to change things and if Moses didn't die in 40 days two times in a row, they will be fine for a meal or two. Then I show them MY back side.

This is real world training. How many parents have grown children still living off of them because they didn't learn the facts of life, beyond sex, when young.

You will get through this.
Ber

Posted by: Hoppy Mar 20 2006, 01:54 PM

I have a 14 yr. old DD. For me, our problem is attitude. She does the work I assign her. It's when she doesn't understand something and needs my help. She gets frustrated w/me because I can go around the world to get to my point. She then will tell me, "NEVERMIND, I'll figure it out myself. I feel as I'm dyslexic (sp) in my speaking. LOL Oh, and writing.
I honestly think that the teen years are tough, not just on us parents but mainly our teens. If I could just reach in and get that attitude button and turn it to the right spot, I'd have it made.
We get behind a lot of the time due to a lot of problems we have to deal with her older married sister. I know it's not fair for us to just STOP doing school due to other problems. I'm working on that. That is one reason that we school year round.

Maybe you and her need a break? Take a few days away from schoolwork? I don't know. I'm sorry you are going through this, I'm also sorry to hear your DD's problems. Is she in counseling for any of this? We went through some of what you have a couple of years ago, running away, cutting. That's when we drew the line and took her out of PS. We let her go back again, but took her out again this year. Things run a lot smoother when she isn't in PS and those surroundings. She will even admit to learning more at home than she does at school. I can see it in her work as well.

My prayers are with ya'll. I know how hard it can be. PM me or email, if you feel the need. Teen girls and hormones along w/mothers and hormones. Shewww what a mixture.
and for you both.

Posted by: Teresab Mar 20 2006, 05:43 PM

Thanks to all. Yes, she is in counseling. The doc there put her on some meds for it. Didn't offer much help. Said it was just one of those there is no cure for. I told him OUR cure, would be prayer. So, that with a lot of crying, I don't know what else to do. Things have been better the past few days. I have been WATCHING her take her meds, as she likes to not take them. She says she HATES taking medicine. HMN........I tell her to weigh the odds of NOT taking it..........

Posted by: Dr. Pepper Mar 21 2006, 09:00 AM

Teresa - Lifting you and your daughter up in prayer. How very scary and sad that she feels the need to cut.

Posted by: AKHomemom Mar 31 2006, 01:33 AM

Posted by: Mel Mar 31 2006, 07:23 AM

Posted by: Teresab Mar 31 2006, 10:27 AM

Hello All,
I have been busy trying to stay on top of things around here, haven't been on the boards much. DD has had 2 more run away episodes.....the doctor told her it was time for her to straighten up, stop using the BPD as an excuse. I was pleased that he said that.

Posted by: Kate Apr 3 2006, 03:58 PM

Thanks all for posting all that you wrote about motivation. My 13 year old son can make 30 minutes of work take 4 hours and that is just the simple stuff, never mind writing. It so helps know that we all have the same burdens sometime. I have also threatened with ps, taken away all sorts of things, and made this great big brute of a boy cry...I can only hope that he gets over it before I lose my mind utterly.
I am now going to go find the jar of doom thread.
In prayer for us all

Kate